This week…
DEADLY SKIES (2005)
Antonio Sabato, Jr., Rae Dawn Chong, Michael Moriarty

I give the producers of Deadly Skies credit for at least trying to capitalize on the "Asteroid Armageddon" fad. Mind you, in order to capitalize, one needed to get in during the actual fad, which happened in 1998, nearly eight years ago.

Oopsy…

But that’s okay, since the casting is stellar. You’ve got an ex-underwear model, Antonio Sabato, Jr. (formerly of Melrose Place), playing an Air Force colonel with expertise in laser weapon technology. That’s believable. You have Rae Dawn Chong, who’s been in lots of stuff, but what would you remember her from, exactly? Quest For Fire? She’s playing an extremely perceptive astronomer, and surely, that’s within the realm of possibility. And then there’s Michael Moriarty (Law & Order), and he’s, well, drunk off his ass.

Oopsy…

So we have a past-due film, with D-List actors over their heads for one reason or another, including one who spent his downtime on the shoot raiding his hotel room’s mini-bar. Did anything else go wrong? Not much, unless you consider the story and the screenplay that serves it to be important.

In one of the least compelling angles one could take when creating an Asteroid Armageddon pic, Chong plays a crusading astronomer (is there any other kind?) who is almost totally sure a massive asteroid is hiding behind another asteroid, and that one is headed straight for Earth. Understand? Not the one you can see, but the one behind it. Yes, you’d think the first one would be the one to worry about. But it’s not. It’s the one behind it. I swear, it’s there...

But as we know, in the movies, nobody believes the lone voice in the wilderness, dammit! Why won’t they believe her? Why? Why?

Fortunately for all mankind, she encounters ex-colonel/laser dude Sabato, Jr. He left the military in a huff, because the Air Force mothballed his Absurdly Powerful Laser Beam project, since it no longer served a purpose. Or it did serve a purpose, but they wanted to use it for evil instead of good, or something like that. I’m not sure, since I was in my kitchen, making myself a cheese and pickle sandwich to accompany my third shot of 151-proof rum, the drink of choice for movie reviewing, and er, everything else. Anyway, I surmise that Sabato was mad that he couldn’t use his massive tool the way he wanted, and guys, haven’t we all been there at one time or another?

Sabato buys into Chong’s theory, and they assemble a tiny squad of surly ragamuffins. Together, they will save the Earth from that asteroid, you know, not the one you can see, but the one behind it? Yeah, I’m almost positive it’s there, even if I can’t prove it. But how will we save the world, should that be necessary?

The quartet sits around brainstorming. If only we had an Absurdly Powerful Laser Beam, one that could reach outer space, packing sufficient force to deflect the asteroid off course. Hmmph, like such a thing would even exist…

(cue chirping crickets, rolling tumbleweeds)

Then a lightbulb blinks over Chong’s head! Hey Sabato, just how big is your (laser) tool? Big enough to bat an asteroid out of the way?

Somehow, Sabato knows exactly what she is referring to, so instead of turning down the lights, turning up the Barry White album, and unzipping his pants, he chooses to whip out his laptop, to “run the data”. Sure enough, his tool can do the job.

Back in Washington DC, Moriarty, aka Brigadier General Weavy MacSlursHisSpeech, senses something is amiss. Even in his drunken stupor, he just seems to know that Sabato will find some way to get his hands on that massive laser beam. But how?

Meanwhile, the Apple Dumpling Gang easily penetrates the security at the air force base housing the Absurdly Powerful Laser Beam, putting them that much closer to Sabato’s massive tool. My, what a huge base! How big is this tool, anyway?

They head straight for the Massive Tool Room. They become frantic when their magnetic swipe card fails to provide access. The tension (nearly) builds as they swipe it, again and again. What could be wrong with it?

Dust, it turns out. After a quick rub on his jacket sleeve, Sabato successfully swipes the gang into the Massive Tool Room. Phew, that was close…

As any real man knows, the first thing a Massive Tool needs is some warm-up, so Sabato turns on the thingy that fires up the laser-ma-bob. No it wasn’t Paris Hilton’s sex video, in case you were wondering. I’m actually talking about the Massive Tool now, okay? Stay with me, it’s nearly over.

Sabato stands at a large console, pressing buttons purposefully, trying to look like he really could program a laser beam to deflect an incoming asteroid. Chong monitors the asteroid’s progress on her laptop. Using what, exactly, Google’s Asteroid Tracker? Could be, those Google dudes are f---ing smart.

As the asteroid nears, Chong starts losing her sh-t.

“Is it ready yet? I need it soon!” she wails to Sabato.

“Let me get the shaft warmed up,” says Sabato referring to the laser’s optimum firing temperature. Hey, when did he put on the ascot and smoking jacket?

“Dammit, I need it this instant, or we’re finished!” she screams.

“I know, I know, but we can’t rush it. It has to be just right,” he says. We’re not quite there yet. More wine, perhaps some fine saxophone from Kenny G, while I warm the shaft? Baby, we’ve got all night…

Suddenly the power goes out, rendering Sabato’s Big Instrument, uh, useless. General Drunkard and his henchman have foiled the plan!

Moriarty confronts Sabato, angry that he would be so reckless with his Massive Tool.

“But we need it to deflect an asteroid!” says Sabato.

And that’s that. Moriarty caves, like “well geez, why didn’t you tell me there was an asteroid?” or something, and just like that, the power is switched on again.

Alas, Sabato can’t regain his mojo from five minutes ago.

“Our firing window is closed,” he says “there’s nothing to do but wait.”

“Unless you shoot that laser right into the asteroid, breaking it in half!” says Chong, who likes the rough stuff, apparently.

“That’s just crazy enough to work!” says Sabato, who pleads for a few more moments to warm his shaft.

“Dammit, just drill it! Now!” screams Moriarty’s flunky, possibly revealing more about himself than we needed to know.

Despite its lukewarm shaft, Sabato presses the laser beam’s big red FIRE button, and the assembled mass waits nervously. Sure enough, there are two asteroids, and conveniently the first one moves aside, just as the laser pokes through the atmosphere. That first asteroid might be headed for Earth too, but only to spend a harmless weekend antiquing in Vermont, I guess.

Seconds later, the laser penetrates the second asteroid, alleviating any worries about its ability to perform under pressure.

“C’mon baby, break her in two!” screams Sabato and Chong, who are really getting into it, white-knuckled and glassy-eyed as they peer into the computer screen.

As expected, the asteroid splits in two, the planet is saved, and Moriarty heads back to his trailer for many tiny bottles of Jim Beam. Lots and lots and lots of bottles…

And as expected, Sabato and Chong do get it on, but we don’t have to see that, thankfully.

After the movie, I clipped my tongue onto the eavestrough along the high side of my house, and dangled from it for an hour, crying tears mingled with joy and excrutiating pain as my tongue slowly tore away from my mouth, the better to purge all memory of Deadly Skies. Good times.

NEXT @ SSC...
The movie Jodie Foster never wanted you to see, Freaky Friday!