This week…
MR. WRONG (1996)
Ellen Degeneres, Bill Pullman, Joan Cusack

Last weekend, I settled into my favorite easy chair to reflect on my life and times.

“Damn, I’m so lucky,” I thought to myself. “I’ve got my health, my family, a home, and a steady supply of malt liquor. Plus, I’ve got friends, a little bit of money in my pocket, and a healthy appreciation of online pornography. Can it get any better?”

Then, as it always does, my mind wandered to the dark side. I thought, “I don’t deserve this! What can I do to ruin my good mood and jump-start a three-day bout of debilitating depression?”

Luckily, I was surfing the idiot box as I asked myself that question. I landed on a moldy chestnut from the early days of Ellen Degeneres’ (mercifully) brief film career – Mr. Wrong.

This film came out just before Ellen, you know, came out. Does anyone remember those strange days in the mid-nineties (before she became America’s Favorite Aging Pussyhound), when heteroEllen’s star was ascending for the first time? She had a sitcom and a film deal. In her sitcom, she played a seemingly straight, thirtysomething single gal with a collection of wacky friends.

And we gasped, for never, had we ever seen this genius concept before…

But it seemed Ellen was hiding something, and not just her androgynous figure under those bulky sweaters and shapeless khaki pants. Sure, she went on dates, but you could tell she wasn’t interested in this guy or that guy. Finally, I figured out she wasn’t interested in guys, period. Heck, nothing gets past me for much longer than two or three years.

Finally, long after her sitcom had faded into irrelevancy, it was decided that Ellen should let the truth set her free, and come clean about who she really was (and generate a ratings bump at the same time, since TV is a business, after all).

I remember the episode, because Laura Dern played the woman who finally motivates Ellen to come out. Here’s something to know - if I had a shot at getting into Laura Dern’s pants, I’d tell everyone I was a lesbian too. I’d yell it from the rooftops. C’mon, it’s Laura damn Dern. I want to make a Hot Babe/Me/Sandwich joke, but I resolved to cut down on my hack tendencies this year. But I’d love to be some kind of spicy mustard spread over her metaphorical slab of mock chicken, on rye. Resolutions be damned.

Mr. Wrong is a bit of a time capsule piece, as Ellen was a few years away from announcing her preference for lik-a-maids, but we still get the sense that something hinky is going on here.

That sense is clouded by the casting of Bill Pullman as the titular Mr. Wrong. Pullman is our inaugural, 2006 Hack Emeritus, for his bland, boring take on any character he inhabits.

Here he plays Whit, a deeply weird guy. At least he tries to act weird. Well, at least he tries to act. Well, at least he made it to the set every day. I get the feeling that when directors tell Pullman to add layers to his performance, he starts wearing extra t-shirts and socks.

Degeneres plays Martha Alston, a talk show producer* who develops feelings for Whit, somehow. Despite the complete absence of anything resembling chemistry, they continue dating, and Martha grows to like him, then tells Whit he can let down his guard with her.

In the script, this means Whit is supposed to become a full-fledged wacko. On the screen, it means Whit becomes a bland, boring loser, as realized by Pullman. You know, casting is everything. If you had put this guy in Pullman’s role, well, we would have been cooking with gas.

Shenanigans ensue, as Whit shoplifts beer from a liquor store (that crazy motherf*cker!!!), stuffing the cans into Martha’s jacket. Later on, to prove his devotion to her, he breaks his little finger. I guess that’s better than the way I show my devotion to loved ones – by getting rip-roaring drunk and then pointing out all of their flaws to them. Oh, there have been tears, let me tell you. But it is very cleansing, for me anyway.

Joan Cusack provides some unexpected humor, playing Whit’s jilted ex. She stalks Martha in hopes of removing her from Whit’s life. At one point, she threatens to put gum in Martha’s hair as a form of torture. It was so stupid it was funny. And truly, I think a lot of people would wet themselves if you threatened to put gum in their hair.

I laughed at that, possibly out of desperation more than anything else. But I like Joan Cusack, and her brother John. All Cusacks Are Good, even when they’re knee-deep in kaka. Truly, this was the hardest movie to get through in the history of Sh-t Sandwich Cinema. Thank you Joan Cusack, for providing a respite, however brief it was.

When a freak accident puts Martha into a coma (moments before I slipped into one, my will to live having been sapped), the Plot Contrivance Fairy steps in, and somehow, Whit unilaterally becomes engaged to Martha.

Mr. Wrong lurches to a end, and I won’t bore you with what happened, since the ending doesn’t involve each and every character engaging in a group suicide pact, as should be mandated by law. We can’t always get what we want.

But at the very end, DeGeneres, clad in a wedding gown (hee), rides a donkey into the sunset. A misguided homage to Ishtar, one of the worst films of all time? Dare to dream.

*The talk show host she works for – a stunt-casted Robert Goulet. That stirred memories of Will Ferrell’s portrayal of Goulet on Saturday Night Live – The Coconut Bangers’ Ball, the staring contests with the mountain goat – ohh, funny, funny stuff. So in the interest of full disclosure, I missed about 15 minutes of the movie while I was thinking about that. Apologies.